As I mentioned just recently in order to move forward you have to put the past behind you.
I have and thought to myself I might as well complete this statement by writing a blog post that will mean nothing to any of you faithful Readers, but only to that one person. I do not have a clue if she does read my blog, but there may be a chance that she does. Does that matter? I guess you faithful Readers may never know that answer to that question.
This is not the first time that I was wrong and this will not be the last time that I will be wrong. I also do not like to give an apology for something that I did not do wrong initially.
I acted the way the way I did since the initial act was instigated by you. I felt that if you treated me the way that you did I could do almost the same thing, but in a different manner to you. It does take two to Tango and I know I have things I did to you that you could mention.
I gave you the silent treatment. Yes, silence is a powerful thing to do someone close. All I wanted was for you to ask me why I was giving you the silence treatment. I would have given you the reason why – no bullshit.
Like the reason I was mad at you for not keeping a couple of lunch meetings early in our friendship. Yes, something small and I understand that we all have emergencies and what not, but that was/is something I do not tolerate if the same thing happens over and over. Call it a pet peeve or not, but I do not like to be cancelled and cancelled upon over and over again.
I was mad for a time and then I came to you and explained why I was mad at you. If the other person was wrong I wait for them to come to me, but in the case with you I came to you and explained why I was the way I was. We mended the relationship, but with my character I can not forget that this event ever happened.
Well, this past year, you approached me in a manner that I was taken aback by surprise. I understand you got the degree and have that over me as education and status placement, but my placement in life is what I have chosen. Though, the one thing that I am not is an AA or an EA. I do not fetch coffee, I do not keep up calendars, and other things EA’s or AA’s are known to do for the person(s) they are hired to assist. You had a pissed off look and addressed me in a pissed off manner and I did not especially care for that.
Then, as the weeks past by and you noticed something different you used a mutual friend to try and talk to me through our mutual friend. That further drove the nail in the wrong direction. If there is an issue – talk to me directly, pull me aside, just do not involve any of our mutual friends into our differences. I am honest with you and can take most things that are said or thrown at me.
Sure, I would have apologized for my above actions in a heartbeat, but you never came to me at all. I could have went first to you, but after the first incident in our relationship I could not make the first move again. No matter what, in my opinion.
I enjoyed knowing you. As you know I made the effort to get to know you. And so as I learned of your martial status I did not let that deter me. And at that time I knew that I could not pursue you as a romantic interest – even though you are the woman I do desire – the hair color, the body, the voice and the demeanor.
I did flirt from time to time, but I hope never flirted any more than I should of. I never suggested let’s go for a drink, I did not inquire about your personal life. Though when I saw that one tattoo – it was an immediate turn on. But again, I kept the friend relationship to a minimum, even by not talking to you every day, which I could have done, but elected not to.
So, that is what caused my friendship with you to be cut off so suddenly. Now, I do and did apologize and I did call your phone number for the first and only time since you gave to me a couple of years ago and I left you a voicemail. I could have hung up, but I did not. I kind of remember leaving a voice message, but I do not actually remember what I said on the voicemail. Sorry. I was nervous, but my message was unrehearsed and my thinking on what to actually say was the tough part.
I could have said so much, but not knowing how you felt about me, what had happened and what you did not know – again I did not want to say something that could be perceived as something it should not. And I will admit that I may be thinking something else, but that is neither here or there. And as Prince sang “…it’s such a shame our friendship had to end…”
I do wish the best for you and I do hope that you give me a call, or send me an email to say something / anything from – a fuck you or you accepting my apology and tell me I am still an ass for acting the way I did to you. If not, I also understand your reasoning why not. I truly do.
What also bothered me, though not from you was that other people suggested that perhaps I was the one that made you question yourself. Or I was the cause for your troubles with giving you a bottle of wine. You giving me a couple / few rides home. I hope that was not the case. Again, I never asked about you and your hubby’s personal current relationship. I do not know if perhaps there is a therapist that you may be seeing for whatever reason(s). I do not know about your life except those moments you did share with me, which in my mind were not on a personal / taboo basis at all. Anyway, once those “seeds” were planted I could not help think I may have had something to do with your personal life. I hope not, but somehow I feel I did, but only by people even saying I may have a part. Consciously, I know I did not, but perhaps subconsciously I did do something that I am not aware of. If I did, I am very, very sorry. I am past that part of my life where I did have extra-martial affairs, but as we age so does comes wisdom and more thinking to the consequences of the act of an affair. Granted, I do have a lot of gorgeous married women friends and I do tend to flirt from time to time, but I think I know when I have / am crossed the line of going to far with a married woman. With your physical condition the last time I saw you – you were thinner than ever. I was worried, but also brought flashbacks to a woman I loved who is no longer in my life. Yet, that is another story, which I talked very little about, but affected and changed my life from that point on in my life.
You referred to yourself as a princess, I disagree. You are more than that – a desirable Queen. Though again that is something I never voiced to you - or could. And I could never call you a princess since I had a friend who referred to herself as a princess and she was that (but a whole more, but not princess like.) One princess in my life is plenty and I could not make two princesses in my life. If I were to be blunt you would be my “cougar.” Oh baby.
The only way to go any further is in my fantasies, but that is something that I will not share. We all have fantasies and I am not going to share about who I may be having fantasies about. (Not going to talk about that with you my faithful Readers… well you could buy me a couple of drinks and perhaps I might just slip about that subject.)
By the way, I know it has been two years, and like an elephant I really never forget things. Do you remember when I made Lasagna and I gave you a small Tupperware dish with a piece of Lasagna? I never asked for the dish back nor did I ask what you thought about my cooking. I am not worried about the Tupperware not being returned to me – at all. After all, my faithful Readers know how I personally feel about Tupperware.
If you need a reason, one reason, to contact me and are reading this blog, then that there is a reason (or additional reason) why you could contact me. Tell me how you liked/disliked my cooking. We may laugh. We may have uncomfortable conversation. Or we may say sorry to each other and see what happens. I do not know.
But again – As I was sitting with my family after Christmas in the living room – “in order to move forward mama always said you had to put the past behind you.”
I did see you walk out of my life before you were gone – walking to your vehicle. Corny as that statement reads but that is the last time I saw you. Sounds like a cowboy song. Or could just be life.
Take care and I hope the best for you in your life.
Readers, that is that. Readers, it took Forrest Gump to make me realize that I had to do the same thing. I have made my peace with myself and now look forward to a new year and a new age bracket to compete in. Hah hah. By the way, it does sound like I lost a love, but it is not. Just someone I cared about more than most of my friends - nothing wrong with that.
“and that is all that I have to say about that.”
Until the next time
The Fallen Athlete